Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

welp

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

Finally! 😈

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.