Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.