Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

🤣🤣🤣

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.