Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
You Might Also Like
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
