Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.