Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Sometimes? I’m slipping
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
it was love at first sight
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.