Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.