Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.