Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton