DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
You Might Also Like
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
those birds must be on payroll
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Me trying to walk in a dream
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines