Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

one last job

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.