Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Lmao 😁

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!