doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
You Might Also Like
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!