Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it