doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
You Might Also Like
just gave your address to some spiders
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*aggressively waits in line*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
🤣🤣
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.