Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

normalize having existential bread

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend