Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham