doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
the three genders
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Wow 🤣
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan