Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.