Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

the duality of man

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

BaD BoY!!

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.