Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you