Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

New Tinder profile.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle