Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no