Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.