Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup