Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

😂🤣😂🤣

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…