Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

life finds a way

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot