Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

sistine chapel

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Customer is always right

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.