Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.