Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.