Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

I’m the neighbor

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Rooting for the overdog

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉