DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.