Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Not my job 😂

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

ibopfufen

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser