Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Guys which shade of gery should I get
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.