“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Have a lovely day 😊
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Duck typos.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*