Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Modded the new Gran Turismo

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.