Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

i did the math

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.