Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!