doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
What about second breakfast?