Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

True freaking story!

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way