Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.