Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

I’m Sold!

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.