Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Help Wanted

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

yes, those are my real potatoes.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

me working on my assignments ^-^

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510