Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

*praying for world peace*
God:

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much