Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.