Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Donkey Kong sommelier

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Why font matters.

I didn’t come here to be called names

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.