doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies