doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
These 3D printers are insane!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet