doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?