Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Somedays I just love AI so much

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.