Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

money maker

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

tfw you realize …

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.