Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.