@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

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@Stap_Jr

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

@mommajessiec

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

@lmegordon

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@TheTweetOfGod

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

@PopSlapFunk

So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.