Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.


Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore


Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?



My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.


Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.


So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.