Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.