@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

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@ArfMeasures

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

@jamdugg

PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
Neighbor: hello
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
Me: hi

@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

@SigneSaysSo

My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.

@IamEveryDayPpl

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

@Cpin42

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]