Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?