Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.