Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children