Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
peep davidson
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.