Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

Cashiers are always checking me out

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

whenever i wake up before my alarm

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.