Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

The symmetry is uncanny.

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

my one true gender

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.