@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

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@KingsnorthAP

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

@Tommytoughstuff

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

@saucy_peaches

Had a talk with 12.

M: Do you know what a period is?
12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence.
M: …
12: …
M: Good talk

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@hippieswordfish

hmmm if I had to pick my favorite Charcter from Jurassic park I’d have to say it would be, the dinosaurs

@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

@MandaPandaXo4

I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.