Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?