Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

ㅤ

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.