Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise