Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
58.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?