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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
What the hell happened in there??
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.