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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
#merica
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd