Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I can’t deal with men any longer
My dog ate my work from home.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.