Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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