Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!