Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep