facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.
Reward me for consistency please
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
That lamp looks PISSED.