@Not_From_Troy

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

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@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

@funnyordie

Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.

@GoodZiIIa

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@Capt_Spanky

Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.

@BwanaChris

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

@egg_dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

@AnkCoupleTO

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you