Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.


[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”


We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…


Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.


[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing



me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks


How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*



Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not


I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.