-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*gets hit by a car*
Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.