Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
#CoronaOutbreak
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.