Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°